i’ve been uneasy about Ch’s sense of satisfaction (or lack thereof) since i left the party.
just some little things that add up to something bigger. i sensed a change in her countenance as soon as she let go after hugging me. a sense of disappointment maybe… did she smell something? did i not say or do something? was there something pressing on her that she chose not to disclose?
whatever it was, i perceived an unspoken concern on her part, which hung over our entire time together. she seemed to genuinely like her presents, but there was a holding back in her SO reminiscent of the old days. i thought this new Ch was less hold-backish and more out-there. maybe it’s something she’s struggling with. maybe i had nothing to do with it. so many times i have, so i go there. it was there when the other 3 were dancing, i was taking pictures, and she sat curled up in a lounge chair.
i wonder if she determined to go with whatever happened, since we really had only a loose plan, and we never know what might happen when we get together. I wonder if she was looking forward to what she mentioned in her email, something like, “i can see ones who love me around me, praying for me, asking for Abba’s blessing, being in the Word, and praying.” (she hates being misquoted so it’s a good thing she won’t see this.) but looking forward to that more than she wanted to, to prevent that disappointment.
T was the first to have to leave, and when Ch asked the rest of us about getting a ride home, nobody said anything at first. Those first few seconds of silence are loud, aren’t they… when G asked R if she could go home that way, she replied, “i guess so…” i asked R what her plans were for the day, and she said, “i don’t have any. this is it,” and she laughed. Ch seemed kinda deflated as she got up, got her bag, and said, “i better just go with T now so nobody has to change plans.” not snarky, just matter of fact and bland.
i asked G afterward if she thought Ch seemed happy at how the time went. she replied that she probably would’ve liked to have talked more. i did think of that. here she was, half the reason for the party, and there was no praying, no asking for blessing, dancing (which she isn’t coodinated enough to perform), and no one wants to go out of her way to give her a ride home so she can visit longer. any emotion or thought i could attribute to her is entirely speculative on my part. it just makes sense that she was kind of bummed to have left at that point.
i find now that i don’t want to mention anything to her because i don’t want her to say something i don’t want to hear. oh, yeah–self-protection in the first degree. i don’t have the devotion to You or the courage it takes to do the right thing. i will suffer for this. there are consequences for evasion. i am awol.
